Self vs. Parts - What's the Difference?

In IFS, it’s important to be able to know the difference between Self and parts. 

Self is the essence we are born with that remains unchanged, no matter how difficult life becomes. We often lose our connection to Self, but it is always there, waiting to be connected to. It is the wise, loving, compassionate, non-judgement aspect of ourselves. Some might refer to this as our higher selves, or our spiritual essence. Everyone has a Self, and everyone can learn how to connect with it.

We are also born with parts, and along the way many of them take on burdens from traumas in our lifetime. These trauma might be big (death of a sibling/parent), or small (not getting attention as a child when we skinned our knee). Many burdened parts are formed during childhood, so many of our parts are very young in terms of their thinking and understanding of the world. 

Parts are broken into two main categories – protectors and exiles.

Exiles are formed when we are faced with a strong or difficult emotion and it is not allowed, either because our families or society tells us so. When these emotions are not allowed to be expressed or felt, we exile them and hide them away.

When exiles are formed, protectors are also created. These protectors help to ensure that we do not feel these emotions again, often by trying to control the environment around us.

For example, a child skins their knee and seeks out their parents to comfort them. The parents are busy and aren’t able to give the child attention, and the child feels hurt by the lack of attention, and alone. In order to not feel that pain and abandonment, a protector is created that vows not to let the child need other people so much, and to handle things by themselves. Over a lifetime this creates an independent, tough person who has trouble letting people in, otherwise they might feel that pain again. 

That pain is still locked deep inside, and if triggered can come out quickly, and often as a surprise. By getting to know the protector, we can help it relax and learn to trust the Self. When that happens, we can then get to know the exile and heal it of its pain and burdens. 

If we can heal that exile and relax the protector, that person will find they naturally are much more open to letting people get close, because they are no longer trying to avoid that pain. They have integrated the pain instead. 

For more information on the Self, click here